The Halley DeVestern Band: Blog

Hello, World!

I'm blogging for the first time since Christmas.  I'm a bad, bad, lazy blogger.

So, it's hot and steamy here in NYC.  Makes Halley cranky; this is gonna a cranky blog entry. 

Didja hear about the airline pilot who supposedly judged the physical merits of all the female passengers OVER THE COMMUNICATIONS RADIO?  WHILE FLYING THE DAMN PLANE?  Doofus, much? 

He used what must be his own special code for identifying undesirables: Grandmas (too old), Grandes (too fat) and the like.  Cute.  He referred to the more attractive female passengers as "doable".  How 'bout flying the plane and worrying about your penis later, Dude?  This guy might just be the real-life Quagmire, the over-sexed airline pilot character from "Family Guy".  I wonder if he looks like an animated version of Bob Hope too. 

And while we're on the subject of nice names to call unattractive women, how about "Grenade"?  That's an interesting one.  Or "Landmine"?  These terms are courtesy of the brain trust boys on "Jersey Shore".  Michael B of Yahoo Answers explains:

They say grenades and landmines a lot. In season 1 Pauly explains what they are and how they differ.

A grenade is a girl that quite frankly is not hot. Not to say that the girl is ugly, but she just doesn't match up to their qualifications of attractiveness. Basically this girl is a bomb about to go off.

A landmine is like a grenade but usually is thin or petite and you don't realize she's a landmine until you realize you want someone better looking.

Can't recall the quotes themselves but I think that is close to how Pauly D and Situation put it.

Wow.  Just.  Wow. 

So, perhaps I myself could be considered a Grande or a Grandma; Maybe a Grenade or a Landmine on a good day.  Yeah, I think the best way to combat this stupidity is to embrace it.  We're pretty good at embracing stupidity in America.  So, call me Grande Grandma, I guess.

Speaking of America, which I love more than anything in this country, something occurred to me.  We are a nation driven by desire.  This nation was "founded" (ie, wiped clean of any native peoples) on the desire for freedom, gold, God and glory.  These days, are those desires still relevant?  Lessee: Freedom; well, we DO have that already, in spite of what your Tea Party neighbors tell you, but with small exceptions (can't kill, can't drink and drive, can't be treated well if you're any other ethnicity that White Christian, stuff like that), so we're good there, no desire needed.  Gold; Yup, we still want that stuff, whether it's the regular kind or its green stand-in, so that's still relevant.  God; We have freedom (see the first desire) of religion, although some folks would only have you be free to practice THEIR religion, interesting twist.  Glory; what is that, anyway?  I dunno.  Where was I going with this?

These days, it seems like the most relevant things driving the bus are Big Butts and Oxycontin.  No lie.  Oddly, it used to be that, as a female, you'd do ANYTHING to cover up a big butt.  Nowadays, women are doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to have a big butt or to flaunt a big butt.  Guys, I dunno, did they ever not like a big butt?  I think they may not have at some point.  But they sure like 'em now.  "Big Butts are in?  Uh, Ok.  Ahem: Wow, I sure do like big butts now!!"  JLo, Beyonce, Coco, Kim Kardashian, they could each hold up a case of Heinekens back there without a problem.  Men will chase down a big butt girl with as much voracity as they would a case of Heinekens, so win-win for them, I guess.  Some ladies are having silicone ham hocks surgically implanted in their hinders, some are doing squats up the yin yang and naturally butt-endowed girls can toss out their tunics and let their fanny flags fly.  I'm wearing nothing but a thong to work tomorrow, dammit.  Hear my mighty mud flaps, uh, flap.

Oxy?  Well, it seems like every one wants it.  Pharmacists now have to carry guns and shield themselves with bullet-proof glass against would-be Oxy bandits.  It's all over the news.  It's crazy.  It's the new crack, the new money, the new thing. I've heard it called "Hillbilly Heroin", so I guess it must be pretty tough to kick, easy to sell, all that stuff.  Never tried it myself, wouldn't want to.  I like my pharmacist too much.

That's all for now.  I feel better.  Gonna lie down for a spell.

LOVE,

HALLEY